Friends and foes...

It's weird to me, that when you are taken away from old friends, and forced to make new ones, that the most common way to start a new relationship is with small talk and pointless conversations. To just walk up to someone and start asking them about where they are from, what they think of their new surroundings, or what kind of music they like. If you are wanting to create a new friend out of this person, you'd think the things to ask would be more important, like, what kind of personality do they have, what are the most important things in their life right now, or what kind of person would they like to be friends with. It seems like the "friend filter" is at the far end of the entire process, instead of right at the beginning. If I'm absolutely not going to like a person, I have to wait until I spend plenty of hours with them to figure it out. Like having hours logged flying a plane kind of. They won't let you fly by yourself with out hundreds of hours or something.

A person like me has enough trouble making friends, as I really have no experience doing it, since I've had the same friends all my life until recently. I would just love to have all of the new people in my life sit in a big room, and let me filter them out by asking really specific, personal questions about themselves and their personality, and then matching them up with mine. It would be so much faster, and a close relationship would begin immediately after.

It's probably that way with everyone, but not to such an extreme level as mine is. Wouldn't everyone like to skip the "Lack of Trust" phase of friendships, and jump right into the "I could trust you with my life" phase? Tell me I'm crazy, come on. Anyways, for the next year or so, I am going to be forced to make friends quickly, and with very few people to choose from. So if anyone has any tried and true friend-making methods, please pass them along. It's almost too, like everyone I meet already has enough friends, and they would rather just stay as they are, and not let me "in the loop," it seems. Like, "you can be my friend, but this guy is already my close friend, so you'll have to wait over there at a distance," which is not what I would like at all. Everyone has enough distant friends, right? People you know, and are familiar with, but not that close to at all, and that you wouldn't tell personal things too, because you can't trust them as much as you would like. I know I have plenty of those right now, zounds even. A plethora of distant friends are currently at my disposal, one could say. I am lacking in the close friend department though, which is probably why I am compensating by writing this blog. I feel like I can really talk to you, reader, even though we aren't really conversing at all. I am only making myself open to others, in a way that the consequences of my statements are not immediately thrown back at me, which can happen in a one on one conversation. New paragraph, go!

What could I say? Could I actually go up to people and say, "I am looking for a new close friend. Someone who will sit with me at meals no matter what, and tell me what they are dealing with everyday, and what they are struggling with, so that I can do the same with them listening to me. Will you stand beside me in a group, sit beside me when there are plenty of seats, and spend time with me when you don't have to, to learn more about me and develope a deep friendship with me?" Not only does that make me incredibly vulnerable, but that's a lot of pressure for someone to have to deal with.

Of course I say all of these things because I have been making friends this weekend, and running parallel with all of the complaining I have just been doing, none of these new friends are "close" yet, and of course, most if not all of them, will never be close friends. I think from watching other people a lot, girls can gain that trust in mere seconds, and I am very sadly envious of that fact. Guys on the other hand, prefer to just stay away from close friendships altogether, and stick with the hollow, in-the-end useless method of joking around 99 percent of the time with friends, and of course, I, have to be one of those freak guys, who actually hates joking around 99 percent of the time, and dislikes joking-around-99-percent-of-the-time people. I can handle about five percent joking around, and would like the remaining 95 percent to be time of understanding and deep conversation.

Anyways, I have yet to find someone who has a desire that ressembles mine, in the area of a good friend, and it's probably because I am not very good at looking, as I am actually quite shy and feel very vulnerable most of the time, since my tastes are very unique from other peoples' tastes. So, I guess, for those of you who already know me inside and out, which is not very many, I would love some encouragement and suggestions in this area. For those of you who feel like you know me really well just from my blog, forget it, cause it's not true!

I guess if I'm gonna dive this deep into things, I might as well be looking for this friend in the form of a future wife, right? Or at least make sure that I have a relationship that is headed in that direction. Maybe all these thoughts are just temporary, just from this moment, and tomorrow I will think it's all garbage, or maybe this is how I really feel about things. I think that could be said about any of my entries. I don't know everything, and sometimes I try to think I do, so I guess it could reflect a little when I write pages and pages of words on a blog.

Still hung up on music...

Tonight the sky was a very deep dark blue, which you'd think would be normal for the sky as the sun has set, except this time, it was completely overcast. Some how the moon must have lit up the clouds from behind or something. Very dark and bright at the same time. I have a headache though, for the first time in a very long time, so I guess that means I can't have the best of both worlds.

So for weeks now, I have been praying a prayer, pretty much whenever it came to mind. Something very specific, and yet something that everyone probably wants or asks for in some way. The thing is, though, that the prayer was basically answered right from the beginning, but I didn't see it until recently, and now that I do, it's so obvious I feel stupid. This is a pretty big deal too because I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where a prayer has been answered, exactly as I imagined it would be, quickly after I first prayed it. For me, it's something to be excited about. Some people I know pray what God puts in their mind at that moment, and trust that He is in control of their prayer and what they need to pray for. Other people I know are very formal and organized about it, which I admire so much. They can pray for an hour or more a day, every day at the same time, and have a complete focus and reverence for God in those hours, and can just give all of their needs, fears, worries, and those of others around them and in their lives. It's always good to have role models I guess. What if you were the best at everything spiritually? Who would you look to? Jesus, I guess is the only one. Technically he is the best at everything spiritually. Nothing like answering your own question.

Anyways, I have not much to say tonight, except that there is so much power in prayer. I want faith like a mustard seed so that I can move mountains!

Music and weather...

Today was cold(er), and work was early and long, and I am tired. Nothing is jumping out of my mind tonight, at the moment, but if I just type absolute nothings for a while, usually something pretty darn darn decent comes out. You need to have patience though. Sometimes I just thank God for music and the weather. Not, like, together or anything, but I'd say those two things are, at least for me, very important in life, and I feel I need to thank Him for them, where as others would not even think of it.

Music is something that lots are grateful for, but for me even more so, as they can be so parallel to my emotions sometimes. "At Least That's What You Said" by Wilco, for example, is pretty much my theme song right now in life. So depressing, but with a kind of hope and promise of something bigger. I can't explain music, because no one can. It's a gift from God, and it's unreal. Nothing else in our world can be compared to music. In practical terms, I would obviously choose sight over hearing if I had to make the choice, but if I could live a day-to-day life without my vision, I would lose it to keep my hearing. To keep music. I know! That Wilco song is like something that would be playing at the end of a love story movie, where the couple never ends up together, but have an understanding that someday they will be happy...somehow. I guess that wasn't any better, but anyways, it proves my point. Music is infinitely complicated. Combinations of sounds that bring such powerful feelings to the surface. Even though this might offend someone, but all of these things are my reason for never supporting any kind of rap. There is just no real music in rap. Just a continuous loop of some catchy riff (rif?).

As for weather, I have days that are ranked higher for me than nice sunny days that are the perfect temperature, with just a bit of a warm breeze (the Zephyr Song is playing right now on my I-Tunes). For me, and it has yet to happen, the perfect day would be about 20 degrees, but it would be overcast, not raining, with holes in the clouds where the sun would shine through onto the darkened Earth. Rays of light just beaming through as far as one can see, but with a dark covering of cloud at the same time. And while all this is happening, a very strong wind is blowing everything around, including the clouds, so that the light would be moving. The wind would be like a motor on a disco ball that way. I can see it in my head so perfectly, but it just does not want to happen in real life. If it did, the first thing I would do, is to run into the house, grab my Walkman, and plug in some Wilco and Weezer. Certain songs of course. Maybe a little Jars of Clay to keep my focus on who is giving me this wonderful weather. I do like it hot better than cold though. As in choosing between extremely hot and extremely cold. Too hot to move is better than too cold to stop moving for me.

The world really is pretty amazing if you look close enough. Now that sounds like a really stupid cliché, but it is true. Did you know the layer of reflective material in a potatoe (potato?) chip bag is only one molecule thick? I hope that's true, cause I just said it like it is. I guess that's not too interesting, but it is 11:30, and the world is an amazing place.

In conclusion and confusion, I have decided that I would love to donate both my blood and my bone marrow. Hopefully the chance to do so presents itself. Support good music!

Wheelchair, or wheel chair...

It was another scorcher of a day here in *******, British Columbia, Canada. I put shorts on for work for the first time since about early October of last year (not October of this year, for obvious reasons). My new laborer/co-worker/friend and I slapped up some CD gypsum board onto a dropped ceiling in about three hours, and then it was home time. This was a very large, ocean side/ocean view/some-of-the-homes-were-actually-on-the-ocean, 55+ housing development a couple of tens of minutes from town. It was so full of beautiful gardens and moist, lush landscapings, that it smelled like a rainforest even with the windows rolled up in my 94 Sunbird. For many years of my life I was sure I did not want to live to be 55+, what with the senility, arthritis, and uncontrollable bladder. But now that I have seen this heaven sloping gently on the oceanfront, I am starting to believe that there is something to this whole "retirement" deal.

Anyways, I get home around 4ish, mountain pacific, and I figure I will change my oil, as I have all of the necessary supplies, I had been putting it off, and since the light that said "check oil" had recently been lit up. When all is said and done, I end up remembering that one of my brake lights is shot, so I quickly pull out the bulb ("I" meaning "my dad"), and head to the nearest service station in my parents' car. Easily obtaining the new bulb, and quite full of myself for doing so many wonderful things today, drywall, oil, and light bulbs, I head back home, and notice a man in a wheel chair (wheelchair?), pushing himself up a gradual, but long, incline.

Immediately, and this is like, I didn't think, "I wonder why he is in a wheel chair," or, "that looks hard to do," but instead, I immediately thought, "I should park this car, get out, and offer to push him to wherever he is going." Now, this guy did not look very old, as in, he wasn't like a helpless, rich, 80 year old with a house on the ocean like the other senior folk that I recently saw shuffling about. He actually looked like someone in their forties, slightly big in both size and belly, but at the same time it just seemed like he was having a hard time with this hill. It was probably a good half of a kilometer (third of a mile for you Americans), and it could have been longer and steeper, depending on where he was headed. He was not struggling, as I am certain that he has been in that wheel chair long enough to know what he is capable of in the category of hills and inclines. I'm sure he is sitting at his destination this very moment, thinking about anything but how hard that hill was for him to climb, but like I was saying, my first thought after noticing the man was to get out, and push him where ever he was going. I'm sure it couldn't have been too far. I think I could push any wheel chair, uh, person farther than they could push themselves. I am a slightly fit guy. Look out ladies. So here I am, wanting to stop in the middle of the very non-rush hour traffic, and approach a capable, most likely prideful man, and offer to aid him in his journey to who knows where. Of course, wrestling with the doubts, and thinking things like, "he won't trust a stranger to do that for him," and, "he won't accept my help anyways, cause it would be too strange an offer for him to accept." As usual, by the time these thoughts were thought, I had long passed the man, and felt like it was too late to change my mind.

It seems like every day, and it could very well be everyday, that I have a chance to do something for someone else. Something big, but not that big. Something that would be greatly appreciated, but not six-0-clock news worthy. I mean, I know for a fact that everyday I have an opportunity to help people, and most of the time I do, but these big things, the things that would really be noticed by whoever it is that I am helping, those are the things I want to stop doubting my ability to try and do, and just do it.

So many people need that kind of generous love everyday. Just plain old kindness. I am generous, I am loving, and I am a pretty kind guy! So why do I get the doubts when I do? Why must I lack courage when it is tested? Why can't I just do it, and then regret it later if it was something I shouldn't have tried. Regretting something that was done with the best intentions afterward, I think, would be much better than not doing it at all, and wondering if I should have. Now, I am quite tall, not built, but big, and very unshaven most days, with long untamed hair (just enjoying it while I still have it). Despite all of me that could intimidate these strangers, I have a true desire to just throw myself at people! I want to help with groceries at the Safeway, and give money to people who need it, and now, I especially want to help people in wheel chairs ascend gradual inclines. Maybe even NON-gradual ones! I mean, why can't I just give myself to people who need help? I should where a t-shirt that says, "I Am Capable! Ask Me For Help When You Need Some!" I want everyone to be before me, to come first in my mind, to be receiving from me all that I can give, but I lack the courage and desire when it counts most.

It's like, everyone wants to be a super hero, right? Who doesn't? At least, not in the struggling to maintain your secret identity sense, but the being able to help people who need it sense. I want to be a hero, but something in me just wants to hold me back from everything I truly want. Like Kryptonite, or some kind of anti-hero thing. Obviously it is just my own self, being greedy, and wanting to sin and disobey God's Word. He wants me to give myself to others more than I want it for myself. I'll just have to pray for the eyes to see my opportunities, and the courage to take the chances I receive. I hope he changes me in that way.

What do I wish...

First of all, today, April 24th, it was at least 24 degrees celsius at the warmest time of the day! Now, for British Columbia, or even anywhere in Canada for that matter, this was a warm day! I am very excited to see how the week progresses, temperature wise.

Just now, I recieved an email from someone who had the same email address as me, only with a 1 at the end of it. The content was merely the two words, "u wish," and of course I am aware of the fact that "u" is not a word. I can only assume it was some sort of slangish grammar used to replace the word "you." Anyways, I find this extremely interesting, as my email address is not very desireable, being only parts of my first and last name. So for this person to have my email address + 1, and be jealous of the fact that I got the address before he did, makes little sense to me, when it's not even a cool address. I have been pondering the possibility of maybe there is some kind of double entendre involved in the whole thing, but I have mad "Mad Gab" skills, and no half decent dirty words can be surmised from my email address. From what I can tell at least.

All in all, it was a confidence booster on my end. Someone out there in the world, wanted my address, and had to settle for almost the same address, but with a "1" on the end. I almost feel like telling him I will give it to him if he really wants it, but that would be far too complicated in the sense of letting people know about my change of address. I am also assuming it is a he for some reason. I guess if it was a girl, they would have said, "u wish ;)" or something nicer. Unless it was a mean girl.

Well, I actually replied to them, despite my reluctance, and perhaps we will become friends, and he will understand that I truly feel slightly bad for him and his situation. Or maybe he will think I am a loser, like most people would, and not be willing to open up on such a simple level to a complete stranger who has the email address he so sorely desires and envies.

I am off to find out more about my new friend/enemy. Wish me luck!

Sunny days ahead...

Well, last night I drove my girlfriend to the ferry, so that she could visit her home church and her mother for a few days before she started working here in the summer. She had just said many goodbyes to many dear friends and many tears were shed, the details of the day are many and unnecessary. The forty five minute ride was quiet, but filled with understanding, and at least for me, more was said in that ride through the silence, than in the many weeks prior.

Neither of us really know what is going to happen in the future for us, but this last night, on the way back, after she had left, I finally figured out that it doesn't matter what I think, but it's only God's Will that will allow us to be together. So if marriage is in the future, I'll thank God for it, but if it isn't, I'll ask Him why, and maybe even question him in anger, but in the end I will understand that He loves me, and that he knows what is best for me, and so I will just have to sit and wait for my future girl to come walking into the picture.

I personally think faith is crazy hard to acquire, and to even understand. To be able to not understand so much, so very much, and just accept the fact that He is in control of all of it, is something I can only hope and pray for in my life. I figure I have just enough faith to get me through every day, which is all I really need, and He'll only give me more and more as time goes by. Like my dear old mother always says, "What's worst that could happen? We die and go to Heaven!"

Hopefully I can trust Him for the rest of my life like I did last night.

Today I walked by a begger...

Living where I do, which I guess I don't want to reveal to everyone who will read this (which of course will be no one), there are many "poorer" people around who make a living by asking people like me for money. Some actually ask you, some play music, and some just have a little sign that says "I'm hungry".

Well today it was the guy with the sign. I had actually given him money at least once before, if not twice (and it was not mere quarters and dimes). This time, I was on my way to the bank, and coincidentally, this is downtown, uh, downtown wherever it is that I live, so right beside the downtown bank is the choice spot for a beggar (is it begger or beggar? I will just use both). Anyways, this man, who is missing half of one leg, smoking a cigarette, and other than looking and probably smelling quite unattractive, a pretty fine fellow. I was approaching the bank (on a corner) from the side of it that did not have a door. When I was plenty close to turning the corner, I noticed the familiar leg hanging out around the side of the building. That is to say, he was basically sitting right on the corner of two streets, and I was able to see him, but he couldn't quite see me yet.

So here is a man, who clearly has no way of making an income, and therefore must depend on the pathetic generousity of strangers to put food in his belly (and smoke in his lungs), and here is me, a man who is already making an income, and therefore could give money to the other person. A fact worth mentioning in this whole situation is that I have made a kind of resolution to give a decent amount of money to anyone who asks for it or needs it. I figure if I am very unskilled at telling strangers about Jesus, I can at least show them his love by handing them a decent amount of money. So here I am, walking towards him with little time to ponder the situation, thinking, "Well, I guess I'm giving him more." By now I have turned the corner, and without hesitation, completely ignored the man while I walked into the bank to converse with a banking machine. Basically thinking "I will get some cash and give it to him on the way back to the car."

Now, first of all, I feel now like ignoring him in the first place was stupid, but I have no other option, because of my weakness of being somewhat well off and human. Somedays I feel like, "If I see a begger, I will give him all I have on me, and then sit with them and talk about what has happened in their lives and tell them that they should look to Jesus." But on days when the opportunity comes up, like today, I panic, and reveal my true self for no one to see but of course my Lord and Savior. If someone out there has a good suggestion that they have tried and proved for this situation that keeps coming up in my life, please give it to me.

Second of all, I guess, is the fact that when I had completed all of my transactions, I had realized that there is far less in my accounts then I thought, and I was in town to of course spend some of the already depleted funds on other things than beggers. I then decided quickly that I would give nothing to the beggar, using both my lack of funds and the fact that I had already given him money before as excuses to make me feel better about my decision.

I then headed out the door, walked right up to, and past, the homeless man, and continued to my car, to finish my business in town, and then go home, never thinking of him again until now.

So, there is my confession of what I feel was a horrible act on my part. Giving him absolutely nothing, thinking that, "it's either dollar bills or nothing, cause change isn't worth it," even though that is so false. Then, ignoring him on both my way in and way out of the bank.
Now chances are, this homeless person spends much of this money on alchohol and/or cigarettes, both of which do not help him in his situation, but shouldn't I have done it anyway? Instead of buying new underwear and socks (totally serious, that's what it was), shouldn't I have given him something? Or was it reasonable for me to think that I needed that money myself.

Of course, since I am in no position to judge him for why he is begging in the first place, none of you are in any position to judge me in my decisions today, even though I admit that they were all foolish ones and made in my weakness.


All I have to say about it is, why do I have to live my life this way? Making decisions that I will regret later? Is there any way to keep God in the front of my mind and on the tip of my tongue every moment of every day? I guess if there was a way, it would be that I would become Jesus himself, cause he's the only one who could ever accomplish such things. And since that will never happen, I guess I am stuck with regret for the rest of my life. At least I have His grace though. Or should I say at most I have His grace. Or should I say the most important thing in my life, and that ever was, or will be in my life, is God's never ceasing grace and mercy that he pours out on me every time I screw up because of how stupid and foolish I really am. Confidence and pride consume me when I should have none because of what I really am. A sinner.

Who says learning can't be fun?

From now on, I have decided to have a blog. That's right. For all of you people out there, who said, "that Barry Gitzel is never going to amount to anything," or, "Barry Gitzel will never have a blog," I say, "Bah!" And I'll say it again if need be. Feel free to read what I write, but no quoting please, as I might be infringing copyrights all throughout this blog's future.