Today I walked by a begger...

Living where I do, which I guess I don't want to reveal to everyone who will read this (which of course will be no one), there are many "poorer" people around who make a living by asking people like me for money. Some actually ask you, some play music, and some just have a little sign that says "I'm hungry".

Well today it was the guy with the sign. I had actually given him money at least once before, if not twice (and it was not mere quarters and dimes). This time, I was on my way to the bank, and coincidentally, this is downtown, uh, downtown wherever it is that I live, so right beside the downtown bank is the choice spot for a beggar (is it begger or beggar? I will just use both). Anyways, this man, who is missing half of one leg, smoking a cigarette, and other than looking and probably smelling quite unattractive, a pretty fine fellow. I was approaching the bank (on a corner) from the side of it that did not have a door. When I was plenty close to turning the corner, I noticed the familiar leg hanging out around the side of the building. That is to say, he was basically sitting right on the corner of two streets, and I was able to see him, but he couldn't quite see me yet.

So here is a man, who clearly has no way of making an income, and therefore must depend on the pathetic generousity of strangers to put food in his belly (and smoke in his lungs), and here is me, a man who is already making an income, and therefore could give money to the other person. A fact worth mentioning in this whole situation is that I have made a kind of resolution to give a decent amount of money to anyone who asks for it or needs it. I figure if I am very unskilled at telling strangers about Jesus, I can at least show them his love by handing them a decent amount of money. So here I am, walking towards him with little time to ponder the situation, thinking, "Well, I guess I'm giving him more." By now I have turned the corner, and without hesitation, completely ignored the man while I walked into the bank to converse with a banking machine. Basically thinking "I will get some cash and give it to him on the way back to the car."

Now, first of all, I feel now like ignoring him in the first place was stupid, but I have no other option, because of my weakness of being somewhat well off and human. Somedays I feel like, "If I see a begger, I will give him all I have on me, and then sit with them and talk about what has happened in their lives and tell them that they should look to Jesus." But on days when the opportunity comes up, like today, I panic, and reveal my true self for no one to see but of course my Lord and Savior. If someone out there has a good suggestion that they have tried and proved for this situation that keeps coming up in my life, please give it to me.

Second of all, I guess, is the fact that when I had completed all of my transactions, I had realized that there is far less in my accounts then I thought, and I was in town to of course spend some of the already depleted funds on other things than beggers. I then decided quickly that I would give nothing to the beggar, using both my lack of funds and the fact that I had already given him money before as excuses to make me feel better about my decision.

I then headed out the door, walked right up to, and past, the homeless man, and continued to my car, to finish my business in town, and then go home, never thinking of him again until now.

So, there is my confession of what I feel was a horrible act on my part. Giving him absolutely nothing, thinking that, "it's either dollar bills or nothing, cause change isn't worth it," even though that is so false. Then, ignoring him on both my way in and way out of the bank.
Now chances are, this homeless person spends much of this money on alchohol and/or cigarettes, both of which do not help him in his situation, but shouldn't I have done it anyway? Instead of buying new underwear and socks (totally serious, that's what it was), shouldn't I have given him something? Or was it reasonable for me to think that I needed that money myself.

Of course, since I am in no position to judge him for why he is begging in the first place, none of you are in any position to judge me in my decisions today, even though I admit that they were all foolish ones and made in my weakness.


All I have to say about it is, why do I have to live my life this way? Making decisions that I will regret later? Is there any way to keep God in the front of my mind and on the tip of my tongue every moment of every day? I guess if there was a way, it would be that I would become Jesus himself, cause he's the only one who could ever accomplish such things. And since that will never happen, I guess I am stuck with regret for the rest of my life. At least I have His grace though. Or should I say at most I have His grace. Or should I say the most important thing in my life, and that ever was, or will be in my life, is God's never ceasing grace and mercy that he pours out on me every time I screw up because of how stupid and foolish I really am. Confidence and pride consume me when I should have none because of what I really am. A sinner.