Friends and foes...

It's weird to me, that when you are taken away from old friends, and forced to make new ones, that the most common way to start a new relationship is with small talk and pointless conversations. To just walk up to someone and start asking them about where they are from, what they think of their new surroundings, or what kind of music they like. If you are wanting to create a new friend out of this person, you'd think the things to ask would be more important, like, what kind of personality do they have, what are the most important things in their life right now, or what kind of person would they like to be friends with. It seems like the "friend filter" is at the far end of the entire process, instead of right at the beginning. If I'm absolutely not going to like a person, I have to wait until I spend plenty of hours with them to figure it out. Like having hours logged flying a plane kind of. They won't let you fly by yourself with out hundreds of hours or something.

A person like me has enough trouble making friends, as I really have no experience doing it, since I've had the same friends all my life until recently. I would just love to have all of the new people in my life sit in a big room, and let me filter them out by asking really specific, personal questions about themselves and their personality, and then matching them up with mine. It would be so much faster, and a close relationship would begin immediately after.

It's probably that way with everyone, but not to such an extreme level as mine is. Wouldn't everyone like to skip the "Lack of Trust" phase of friendships, and jump right into the "I could trust you with my life" phase? Tell me I'm crazy, come on. Anyways, for the next year or so, I am going to be forced to make friends quickly, and with very few people to choose from. So if anyone has any tried and true friend-making methods, please pass them along. It's almost too, like everyone I meet already has enough friends, and they would rather just stay as they are, and not let me "in the loop," it seems. Like, "you can be my friend, but this guy is already my close friend, so you'll have to wait over there at a distance," which is not what I would like at all. Everyone has enough distant friends, right? People you know, and are familiar with, but not that close to at all, and that you wouldn't tell personal things too, because you can't trust them as much as you would like. I know I have plenty of those right now, zounds even. A plethora of distant friends are currently at my disposal, one could say. I am lacking in the close friend department though, which is probably why I am compensating by writing this blog. I feel like I can really talk to you, reader, even though we aren't really conversing at all. I am only making myself open to others, in a way that the consequences of my statements are not immediately thrown back at me, which can happen in a one on one conversation. New paragraph, go!

What could I say? Could I actually go up to people and say, "I am looking for a new close friend. Someone who will sit with me at meals no matter what, and tell me what they are dealing with everyday, and what they are struggling with, so that I can do the same with them listening to me. Will you stand beside me in a group, sit beside me when there are plenty of seats, and spend time with me when you don't have to, to learn more about me and develope a deep friendship with me?" Not only does that make me incredibly vulnerable, but that's a lot of pressure for someone to have to deal with.

Of course I say all of these things because I have been making friends this weekend, and running parallel with all of the complaining I have just been doing, none of these new friends are "close" yet, and of course, most if not all of them, will never be close friends. I think from watching other people a lot, girls can gain that trust in mere seconds, and I am very sadly envious of that fact. Guys on the other hand, prefer to just stay away from close friendships altogether, and stick with the hollow, in-the-end useless method of joking around 99 percent of the time with friends, and of course, I, have to be one of those freak guys, who actually hates joking around 99 percent of the time, and dislikes joking-around-99-percent-of-the-time people. I can handle about five percent joking around, and would like the remaining 95 percent to be time of understanding and deep conversation.

Anyways, I have yet to find someone who has a desire that ressembles mine, in the area of a good friend, and it's probably because I am not very good at looking, as I am actually quite shy and feel very vulnerable most of the time, since my tastes are very unique from other peoples' tastes. So, I guess, for those of you who already know me inside and out, which is not very many, I would love some encouragement and suggestions in this area. For those of you who feel like you know me really well just from my blog, forget it, cause it's not true!

I guess if I'm gonna dive this deep into things, I might as well be looking for this friend in the form of a future wife, right? Or at least make sure that I have a relationship that is headed in that direction. Maybe all these thoughts are just temporary, just from this moment, and tomorrow I will think it's all garbage, or maybe this is how I really feel about things. I think that could be said about any of my entries. I don't know everything, and sometimes I try to think I do, so I guess it could reflect a little when I write pages and pages of words on a blog.